My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
