I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
