I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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