I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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