new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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