Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
