I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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