he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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