I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize