I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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