I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
