You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
