I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
