Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
