okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
