it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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