apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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