he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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