Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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