He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
