This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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