Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
