can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
