I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
