I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
