Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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