Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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