The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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