You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
