I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
