i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I wish you could order shots online.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
