I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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