Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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