I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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