Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
