please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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