my soul wont recognize me after tonight
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
