Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
