I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
