heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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