but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
