The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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