my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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