so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Randomize
