It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
