he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
