Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
