OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
