She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
