So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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