You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
