you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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