My liver just broke up with me...
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
