I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
