Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
